Elizabethkuhnke's Blog

Archive for July 2011

Negative self-messages are bad for your health. Down beat beliefs can undermine your confidence and destroy your credibility. Toxic thinking can cancel careers.

You needn’t be caught in the trap. You can make a choice to let go of the negative and take on a positive attitude. You have to begin by making the choice. ‘But how do I do that?’ I hear you say. Begin by finding someone who truly supports you. What they would say about you?  Listen to what they say and believe it. It’s about changing the messages we give ourselves, and deciding if we do want to change, that we are doing it for ourselves and no-one else.

Find out what motivates you; is it pulling yourself towards something or pushing something out? You need to be really clear about the reasons for your negativity and work on disposing of them by; setting clear, achievable and measurable goals, finding out what’s important to you; and believing that changing your attitude is the first step.

The key to improving self-esteem, however you decide you do it, is giving yourself new positive messages.

Most people lack self-esteem because of negative messages they’ve received in their life. This is because all too often, people compare themselves to others and pick bad role models, resulting in a constant feeling of inadequacy.

Too many of us live by others standards and forget to look at ourselves. What’s good or bad for you, is going to be different in every person. We all continue to ‘buy into’ and surround ourselves with negative messages.

In order to calm your nerves before an important meeting, do abdominal breathing. Fill yourself up with air and focus on feeling ‘centred’. This will relax and focus you. Then visualise how you want to be perceived and create that vision. If you want to come across as determined, furious and focussed, imagine yourself that way, and then act that way.

Keep in mind that some nervous energy is good, it keeps you on your toes and will help you remain energised.

Can a person with low self-esteem fake self-confidence, even if they don’t feel it?
Yes, because how you behave directly impacts how you feel. So if we make a conscious effort to behave in a more confident way, we will begin to feel more confident. We’ve all been able to act with confidence at some point in our lives, perhaps when we were children, so take yourself back to that time and analyse your behaviour. Were you sitting upright, smiling, making direct eye-contact? The trick is to ‘act as if’ and you can ‘create the state’.

 Start to look at what you do well. Pick something, regardless of how silly you think it is – whether you’re great at writing e-mails or a fantastic mother, find something you know you’re good at and build from there.

My top tips for improving self esteem are:

  • Remove negative thoughts and influences from your environment
  • Create new positive messages for yourself
  • Having a clear image of what self esteem means to you
  • Surround yourself with people who value you
  • Judge yourself by your own values, not someone else’s 

For more information visit www.kuhnkecommunication.com

And…Follow us on Twitter! www.twitter.com/diamondpolisher


With a flick of the hair, a tilt of the head and a pout of the lips you could have the one you want falling at your feet before you know it. Sending the right message with your body language is crucial to attracting the perfect partner.

It’s a fact that availability counts for more than beauty in the dating game. A person on the hunt will tend to pursue a woman who may not be the most attractive in the room, as long as she’s giving off signals indicating that she’s ready and willing.  So, if you want to hook up communicate your interest early in the evening.

Use our top tips to getting someone’s attention, and keeping it:

Play with Your Hair – Playing with your hair is an attention grabber. Whether you’re tossing your head, flicking your tresses, or running your fingers through your locks, this action sends signals that you’re interested and available. An added benefit of playing with your hair is that when your raise your hand to your hair, you expose your soft underarm, a tender, vulnerable and sexually responsive part of the body that’s hard to resist.

The Head Tilt – A head tilted to the side is an appealing gesture because it indicates submissiveness, causing a surge of compassion from the person you’ve set your sights on. Tilting your head makes you look vulnerable, a condition most people on the prowl find irresistible. By tilting your head you reveal your neck, exposing the soft skin on a defenceless part of your body. This in turn makes you look helpless and sexy, a seductive state that works like a magnet.

Pout those lips –Embrace your inner Angelina Jolie and put on the pout.  Full lips are highly erotic.  By increasing the size of your lips you can turn thoughts into kisses!

Crossing Your Legs – The leg twine is consistently ranked the most appealing sitting position a woman can take. Pressing one leg against the other makes the leg muscles look fit and toned, a look that is both pleasing and tempting. Crossing and uncrossing your legs is an enticing gesture and indicates your willingness and desire to be caressed.

 Women tend to focus on their hair, clothing, and make-up when preparing to go. Applying the right body language to attract a potential partner matters more than cosmetics or clothes. By putting these tips to the test you’ll be well on your way to finding yourself a perfect partner.

 For more information visit www.kuhnkecommunication.com

And…Follow us on Twitter! www.twitter.com/diamondpolisher

You’ve prepared, you’ve practiced, and you’re rearing to go.   Pumped with adrenaline and ready to take on all challengers, you walk into the arena where you’re met with an angry,hostile, resentful audience.


Whether you’re speaking to an assembly of 1 or 1,000 managing your listener’s negativity is paramount if you’re to communicate successfully.  Panicking will get you nowhere.  By applying the 3-D principle: Depersonalise,Detach, and Defuse you’ll increase your confidence and come off looking like a star.

  • Depersonalise  People carry their own agenda and personal baggage.  Someone’s response to you may have nothing to do with you personally.  For example, a client was struggling with a member of her staff, who was named Donna.  It turned out that the client’s husband had recently left her for another woman, whose name was also Donna. The problem wasn’t the staff member’s capability or competency, it was her name. Lesson learned?  Don’t take it personally.
  • Detach
      Contain your feelings, expunge your ego, and distance yourself from the emotion.  Engaging with the attacker sets up a
    competitive dynamic in which one wins and the other loses.  By remaining open and asking questions for gaining clarity you’ll neutralise the situation.
  • Defuse A bit of appropriate humour goes a long way in defusing negative energy. If your tension rises and you respond defensively, the negativity will increase. Remember: Respond to the situation; don’t react to the person.


Knowing What Triggers Your Reactions

 There are people in this world who just annoy you and you don’t know why. By investing time to recognise who and what sets you off you’ll increase your ability to handle whatever negativity gets thrown your way.  Below are different types you might recognise as Triggers:

  • The Know-It-All:  This person has an answer for everything and wants to actively participate in your life.  Acknowledge the positive
    contribution the person makes, and that you will consider their input.  You do not promise to act on their suggestions, just to consider them
  • The Fault Finder: Whines and complains about everything and comes up with no solutions.  This person takes pleasure in complaining.  No matter what you say, they’ll respond with, “Yes, but…” Tell them that you are looking for solutions, not further problems, and that you would appreciate their suggestions.
  • The Expert Challenger: These people need to be recognised for their expertise.  Acknowledge their contributions and remain open to their input.  By inviting and acknowledging the challenger’s expertise you’ll build rapport and create an ally.
  • The Wanderer: This person immerses himself in the minutiae of the detail when a quick answer is all that’s required.  To stop
    them from droning on, cut in, summarise what they’ve said and thank them for their contribution.
  • The Loser: This person never admits to being wrong or making a mistake.  With low self-esteem, this person can only make himself feel better by making other people wrong.  Let them save face by agreeing to disagree.
  • The Controller:  Dominance is paramount to this person.  Able to intimidate others by monopolising a conversation or activity, you can control them by asking for others to respond.  If the person continues to dominate the conversation/meeting/event take a break, and have a quiet word with them.
  • The Talkers:   No matter how good you are at connecting with an audience, there will be times when two or more people will engage in conversation during your presentation.  If it’s a large audience, ignore the disruption.  If they’re distracting the people near them, they’ll soon be told.  If it happens in a smaller group, you’ll have to manage the distraction.  You can do this is the following ways:
    • Make eye contact and stop speaking until they look at you.
    • Ask them directly to hold their conversation until the break.
    • Walk toward them, stop in front of them, and keep talking. 
  • The Hecklers: Ignore them and continue as you planned.  If you don’t respond to them, they’ll soon give up.  If they continue, ask their name and what organisation they represent.  This usually works because hecklers want to remain anonymous.


The point to remember about difficult audiences is that when someone is acting disruptively, it’s more often than not about something other than you.  The person is suffering from an unmet need.  Whether it’s the loser needing to be right, the complainer needing to be comforted, or the controller needing to dominate, by depersonalising, detaching, and defusing, you’ll remain in control and the other person’s negative behaviour might even disappear.


For more information visit www.kuhnkecommunication.com

And…Follow us on Twitter! www.twitter.com/diamondpolisher

Just a few short notes on how to exude charisma in a meeting situation.

The secret lies in body language – in what the experts call power moves. The choreography of physical dominance that, since the dawn of
hominid society, subconsciously warns the betas of an alpha’s presence.

The moves subtly declare ‘Obey this person,they are cool, they rule’!


So, how to enter a meeting room:

Don’t just scuttle in head down

Pause briefly inside the door

Survey your domain and as you approach your seat, move something – a chair a piece of desk furniture – to assert the fact that this is
your territory.

Try to get the tallest chair.  It’s important

If the chairs adjust, spring yours to the top height.  If you’re stuck on a short chair, sit on the
front edge so you look poised for action.

Don’t sit with your back to the door: studies show it makes you subconsciously worried about attack from behind.  Your pulse and blood pressure rise.   You look uneasy

And lastly, smile and breathe from your boots!

For more information visit www.kuhnkecommunication.com

And…Follow us on Twitter! www.twitter.com.diamondpolisher

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